| now i realize i could have learned more on my own. |
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i've been fine disregarding my insanity.
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[15 Dec 2008|07:58pm] |
 i think that pretty much sums it up. ha. |
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[22 Oct 2008|10:17am] |
 rest in peace, little buddy. i'm gonna miss you. :( |
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[21 Sep 2008|01:37pm] |
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-choke is coming out on the 26th.
-henry rollins on the 29th.
-new york next month.
YESSS, i'm fucking giddy.
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[28 Aug 2008|08:26am] |
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 where do we go from here? |
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| even when the world is falling on top of me, pessimism is an emotion, not a philosophy. |
[03 Jul 2008|01:23am] |
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got caught up in a moment yesterday that won't leave my head. i was overwhelmed by such explosive emotion i could hardly keep my car in between the white lines on the pitch black pavement. i've never cried like that before, never felt such elation. the feeling was inexplicable, but i'm going to try anyway because i never want to forget it. i felt beside myself, looking over at a person bursting with life and with love, despite all of the misery and loss that has infested my soul and those around me for the past year.. actually, it was IN spite of it. i felt more alive than i ever have and what really overpowered me was the gratitude that i felt for my life.
and it makes me realize that experiencing the death of people around me, watching my brother move from psych ward to psych ward, seeing a friend in a coma hooked up to a respirator.. it all lead up to that moment. that one moment that finally permits me to say, without doubt or guilt, that i am truly grateful for everything that has been given to me. my life, my health, my family, my soulmate, my friends, and most of all, the strength that wills me to keep moving forward. because without that, all the pain and suffering wouldn't be worth it. and i never ever ever want to forget that.
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[13 Mar 2008|10:19pm] |
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life is a battle. i often find my stability faltering and my world starting to crumble.. but somehow, it never does.
my strength, my hunger for life, my motivation, and my mind's gravity can be found in a few of these pictures.
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[13 Dec 2007|02:49pm] |
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brian is gone again. there was no other choice. he didn't say a word the whole trip to tampa general. i think he finally realized that he wasn't coming back home with us when they asked him to put the hospital gown on.. and it hurts. it hurts so bad.
i wanted to write so i could get at least a small part of it out. but this is just too painful. my mind wants to stay far away from the thought of what's happening to my family and my heart shatters with every word i put down. i don't know how to fix this.
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[17 Nov 2007|12:56am] |
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the anxiety has sharpened. it feels thick against my scalp, heavy on my shoulders, and restless in my chest. geoff and i headed over to my house tonight to give my mom enough of a break from my brother so she could take her first shower in days. my heart constantly aches for her. i feel like i don't do enough, never enough. that i need to fill the place that my father selfishly refuses to. that i can never be there for her enough, help her enough. she's had five hours of sleep (restless sleep, anyhow) in four days. she's worried fucking sick and i feel like i'm the only one that even notices. my brother is a two-year-old in a twenty-year-old's body, hopped up on a triple dose of anti-psychotics with no regard for himself or anyone else. he's on suicide watch and on the verge of a psychotic breakdown which means that baker acting is again inevitable. he can't lay down, he can't sit, he can't focus. his day consists of pacing clockwise on the patio for hours, nail-biting and chain-smoking, muttering wordlessly to himself. my mother's going crazy herself because she constantly has to make sure he doesn't wander off like he's done so many times before. i can't believe what this has escalated to. my mom is losing her oldest son.
when i got back to geoff's, my thoughts were uneasy and unbearable. i felt exactly as you do coming down from a bad acid trip, when you feel as if your neurons are firing inconsistently and for all the wrong reasons. and any external noise was making it so much worse. i covered my ears and eyes with pillows until geoff turned all the tv's and lights off in the house. we sat in darkness for a few minutes and even though it was completely silent, my head was still buzzing like a thousand wasps were trying to escape through my skull. and then the tears came. months of pent up emotions, feelings of hopelessness, anxiety and stress flowing as salty water through my eyes, down my cheeks and into geoff's lap. i couldn't stop seeing horrible things in my mind, couldn't stop describing these horrible things, and i definitely couldn't stop my body from violently shaking. right when i didn't think i could take it anymore, he started whispering and rubbing behind my ears and i can't tell you how many minutes passed before i could finally breathe again.
i need sleep tonight more than i ever have.
but i have to be at work at 7:30 tomorrow morning.
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[08 Oct 2007|03:19am] |
it's shocking how the mind evolves in adolescence.. and how at the time you don't even have the ability to realize it. |
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| just some nonsense.. |
[28 Sep 2007|12:26am] |
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mood |
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the up of fucked. |
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feelin' so goooood.
smiles smiles smiles, nothing but.
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[27 Sep 2007|02:04am] |
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let's have a mid-city fiesta with your west LA connections,
hop inside the vehicle, start crossing intersections,
we learning life's lessons while we blaze this herbal essence,
a man but still a child and i have so many questions,
struggled all my life to evade the misconceptions,
to find a place to live between the negatives and positives,
while trying to make money slangin' synonyms and homonyms,
i went to pop's house so i could visit mom's and them,
cut to the mall, got them brand new pair of timberlands,
then dipped down the one way to try to scoop up double k,
and chill with my people on this bright and sunny day,
my nigga spliff was sippin' becks, i'm slapping hands with guests,
locate the shady spot so we can circulate the stress,
mary jane invades my brain, now i can't complain,
i'm sayin' what else is there to do besides relax,
let the problems in your mind become ancient artifacts,
perhaps these raps can help you alleviate those things that's got you trippin',
now watch me demonstrate,
first you ignore the nonsense and clear your conscience,
let the pen touch the paper, write verbs and consonants,
as the words become a sentence, you start to feel indifferent,
the stress is out your mind, you feel like the weight was lifted,
terrific, i'm glad we had this time to discuss,
i'm outro, call me if you wanna blaze one up
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[27 Sep 2007|01:55am] |
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i'm torn between what has been and what potentially will be. but maybe that's life; love it or kill yourself. but in this phase, the two are so completely alien to each other that it leaves me with a deep confusion and an awkward state of mind. nothing and no one can prepare you for days, weeks, months like these. i'm endlessly trapped in mindless tasks, barely left with time to breathe, let alone take a step back and contemplate my surroundings. and it's such a tempting thing, to throw my hands up and quit just as i see any sort of resolve in the near future. like i've done last year, and the year before that, and the year before that.
the hand i've held so tight for the past nine months seems to be the only thing that pushes me to find even an inkling of inner strength to keep going when i begin to stray. he gives me a desire to live up to my responsibilities even when another part of my mind is trying so hard to wash its hands of them. i can't imagine where i'd be without the late night drives that always seem to bring with them unreserved conversation and way too many cigarettes. without the bitter sweet drip in the back of both our throats that represents a sense of well-being in a world where that's so hard to come by. without the laughter that can never be controlled, the unspoken reassurances and inescapable comfort.. all i can say is that things would be a whole lot different.
i guess i'm lying to myself when i say i have options, because i don't. the only choice i have is to keep pushing forward.. and maybe forward isn't such a bad place to be going.
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[29 Aug 2007|09:35pm] |
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lately, the days have been exhausting and the nights too short. go to work, work some more, school, sleep, work, school, work.. and on and on and on. my sanity is hanging on by a thread.
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[26 Jul 2007|05:57am] |
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[19 Jul 2007|02:53am] |
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eat, shit, suck, fuck, kill and die honest.
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[16 Jul 2007|02:34am] |
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still growing, still smiling, and still in love with life.
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| what i need is what i have, but it's not always what i wanted. |
[16 Jul 2007|02:24am] |
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another pivot, where fear and anger and shock were braided together, embodying my Whole in such a way that it left a bittersweet tingle under my tongue, comparable only to the taste that blotter leaves as it's being absorbed. so sickening that with the slightest gag, your throat forces you to swallow... but that state of anticipation is so comforting. probably only because your mind knows you've been there a million times before and will be revisiting a million times in the future. let me tell you, things look a whole lot different after you've relived your entire life in the few milliseconds before you hear that horrible crunching sound of metal versus metal.
is pain really that bad before you start advertising it, making it fact rather than just an instinctive reaction? steering clear of ironic obsession is what's pulled me out of this hole, but i know deep down that i'm still attracted to my beautiful depression. and these scatter-brained thoughts and run-on sentences don't aid me in denying that.
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bonesofwar's journal